Flat White

[den]

Dear Person Behind The Counter Making Coffee,

When I ask for a flat white coffee inna mug, I don't want a frappaccino, mugaccino, latte, or chocolate mocha. I want a flat white coffee. In a mug.I don't want to add any combination of flavoured syrups, whipped cream or sprinkles to change the taste. I want it to taste like coffee. Hot coffee. With a little milk and sugar. In a mug. Not an El Grande or other foreign word combination that means "big" in English. I want it in a mug. A big mug. Make me a black coffee in a large mug, then add some milk. I'll add the sugar. Don't heat the milk then add the coffee. Make it with hot water in a big mug, then add the milk. Is that too much to ask?

Large flat white coffee in a mug.

No froth. That's what "flat" means. Definately no froth, and absolutely no chocolate powder sprinkled artfully on top. If I want a cappuccino I would ask for a cappucino. Please do not force me to order a large black coffee with milk or I will say Certain Words. Loudly.

And the children in the shop will cry and I'll feel bad and then I'll be cranky at YOU, because I feel bad about upsetting kids in public and I STILL DON'T HAVE MY COFFEE, dammit.

Large flat white coffee. In a mug.

Thank you.

Comments

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

Don't tell me... wait... She made it decaf, too?

[jamesb]

... with skim milk ...

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

I don't mind skim milk, but you have to add too much to the coffee.

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

It didn't quite get that far. I ordered a "Normal large flat white coffee" and the first thing he did was start heating a jug of milk for me. I had to stop him and explain what I wanted. And I threatened him with physical violence if he used decaf.

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

in Canada... thanks to the proliferation of doughnut shops (a bizarre Canadian cultural phenomenon), that for 40+ yrs have served regular ol' coffee without all this new age yuppie urbane STUFF... every Canadian knows the routine...

Coffee - regular, plain, flat white, one cream, one sugar
- double/double. plain, flat white, two cream, two sugar
- double cream regular sugar, plain, flat white, two cream, one sugar
- and black

Even if you don't drink coffee, you know this - because at some time in your teens you worked in a 'doughnut shop' for student minimum wage. It's so ingrained that even the fancy 'coffee shops' recognize it - you want fancy - you gotta specify your brand of fancy.

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

Oh and non of this milk crap! REAL COFFEE CREAM - unless you tell em MILK!

[breimh.livejournal.com]

*sighs and misses Canadian coffee houses and doughnut shops* Yeah, that is one thing I have to say they really know better than all the ritzy-wannabes (that are choking the businesses with stupid people as employees) of the rest of the world.

If it were me, I'd tell them what they could do with the lattes and other fancy stuff, since the kids likely hear worse at school already.

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

Ooh no. No cream for me. I don't like cream in my coffee; it makes it taste fat.

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

Usually in Canada it's always been cream - specifically coffee cream 10% (which apparently while Australian milk producers web sites claim to have such a thing it doesn't really exist -you have no idea how hard we looked!) as opposed to cereal cream - 18% (although some people like that for coffee), or whipping cream (or heavy cream) 35% - which IS too heavy for coffee. Rule of thumb generally (and one I subscribe to) is cream for coffee, milk for tea. Cream is too 'heavy' for tea, and milk too insubstantial for coffee. Of course there are always those who will 'buck the norm' *snicker*

Oh and then there are the old folks, and the more rural tradition of using canned evaporated milk - or "Carnations" for coffee instead of cream.

[guruwench.livejournal.com]

And don't forget double cream/no sugar for those of us who don't use sugar in our java :)

(I like fancier coffee sometimes, but I also like plain unadorned coffee too)

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

It's getting harder to order "A Coffee."

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

What you call a "double double" is known here as "NATO Standard" -- two of everything.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Here, they'd say, "Flat what?"

(You'd order regular coffee, add your own milk and sugar.)

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

Large regular coffee. I'll remember that. 8)

[pipibluestockin]

Stop buying coffee from Tarbucks. :p

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

We don't have that creeping evil in this town, but we do have some wannabes and a McCafe.

[pipibluestockin]

Well, in a way Dubbo not having a Tarbucks is a relief. I will pack up an leave for the next planet they day they open up in Antarctica.

hears a link

[sjwt.livejournal.com]

bottom row, near the middle, called "Small, Medium, Large"

http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html

listens a link

[annbat.livejournal.com]

http://www.illwillpress.com/coffeehouse.html

Re: listens a link

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

YES!

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

How many times did you have to send it back?

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

I caught him heating up milk and had to explain. Luckily I didn't have to send it back at all.

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

LOL! :-D

Vengeance

[ursuscal.livejournal.com]

Long ago, when yuppies began to flee the Bay Area for Seattle, a concerted effort was made by natives of Seattle to drive them out, or at least make them as miserable as possible. As if all the woes of Washington were their fault. Sure, prices went up, but that was bound to happen sooner or later. After all, it's "the United States of America," NOT "the United State of Washington." No place is immune to price hikes once it is identified as affordable and pleasant (or even not pleasant). At any rate, the Washingtonians got their vengeance: for a race known for their hatred of yuppies, they exported Starbucks, that bastion of obscenely overpriced yuppie coffee. Just for fun, I went in one the other night after a meeting. I asked for "plain, black coffee." What ensued was what can only be described as a logic decision tree: Columbian or French roast? Strong or mild? Blended or single bean? I tell ya, even trying to order "plain" coffee has become complicated to the point of absurdity. So don't you dare complain about yuppie affectations, Washington. You are now responsible for one of the worst.

A friend of mine delights in going into Starbucks and hacking into the PDA's and laptops of people using BlueTooth. He makes teasing observations about what the person is wearing, etc., and then watches in awe as the victim tries to casually look about and see who might be the offender. I fursonally find it offensive that they advertise having a "hotspot" in each coffeehouse, only to discover I have to pay T-Mobile almost $30 a month to use it. If I want to check my messages, I'll do it at home or at work, thank you.

[kythrain.livejournal.com]

Bah! There's no such thing as this beast you speak of! 'Flat white coffee'? Well, flat coffee, sure... coffee isn't carbonated or anything, it isn't bubbly or frothy. But white? Coffee is black, darn it! If you make it white, it's milk with a little coffee added. Most of the time, folks that say they have coffee are drinking sweetened brown milk.

;) I'm a bit of a purist. If I want coffee, I want coffee. Simple, unadulterated.

[weyrdbird.livejournal.com]

I drink my caffiene at home now. I got sick of people in places like StarFucks asking for double skim decaf latte /mocha no whip no sprinkle etc. Heck, there's probably no *coffee* either by the time they've rattled off all the stuff the customer doesn't want for 3.95.:P! Why bother?

I like my large dark roast coffee the same way you do, Den. Problem is, the stuff all tastes like it came out of a burned barrel. It's a shame Victor Aleen's folded and the chain died. Another local killed by the evil Starfucks Empire. "Oh, we'll just build one, it won't hurt Madison.....now there are TWO in my nieghborhood, one with a drive-thru.....and they are everywhere.

[kayshapero]

Worse - in some places it's spread over into the TEA, too... (shudder).