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I Love Planet Tabloid.

Thus the news that a drama group in Derbyshire is putting on a production of a play called The Bell-Ringer of Notre Dame named so as not to offend hunchbacks. It brought the kind of joy for the papers not seen since the phrase "black or white" was banned at a council coffee bar.

The Sun's Richard Littlejohn proposed a whole raft of future productions which may need amendment. "Snow White sounds a bit racist," he said, "and I'm not sure you can call dwarves dwarves any more...but somehow Mixed Race Female and the Seven Persons of Restricted Growth doesn't quite have the same ring to it."

Dostoevsky's masterpiece would need to be updated to Social Exclusion and Rehabilitation. (By strange coincidence, The Daily Mail had an alternative version - Crime and Safari Holidays - and the inspired French Woman's Lieutenant.)